Watson Un-Vanishes

Former shelter dog and canine presidential candidate, Watson, has been in seclusion since last November’s election. Pundits have speculated about the reasons for his abrupt disappearance from the public stage. Was he pulling a “Sarah Palin,” abandoning his job while plotting for another run for higher office in 2012? Was he pulling a “John Edwards,” lying low because he fathered some as-yet-undisclosed puppy out of wedlock? Was he hiding out, in terror of Michael Vick’s release from prison? Or was he merely pouting because of his own lack of success in the campaign? Watsonologists have offered much off-the record speculation. Cable news commentators have, too. The Star tabloid claimed in successive editions that Watson was spotted in the company of Britney Spears, Elvis, and three extra-terrestrials near Roswell, New Mexico. The National Enquirer staked out his doghouse, his vacation getaway home, and the homes of several women (both human and canine) with whom he has been associated. On radio, Rush Limbaugh gleefully asserted that Watson had failed, and that Rush WANTS him to fail. Keith Olbermann delivered a “special comment” at the end of his show, Countdown, to proclaim that Watson had shamefully “abandoned” his followers, had “run away” from his commitment to universal canine health care, and had thereby sought to sabotage the campaign to make health care available to all human beings. At last, we can put all these rumors to rest and report the truth: Watson, it appears, has pulled a reverse-Ronald Reagan/Arnold Schwarzenegger: he has given up politics (at least for now) to position himself for a role in the movies. It seems that his original song, “Feel the Love,” is being considered for a forthcoming doggie dance movie, “Doggie Boogie.” Stay Tuned for the outcome.