Sunday, November 04, 2007

A Leg Up on the Competition

Or, Colbert Schlobert

In recent days, canine Presidential aspirant Watson has received a tide of fan mail criticizing his fund-raising efforts. Or the lack thereof. One disgruntled supporter complained that, while Hillary and Barack have amassed war chests of $80 million or more just in the last quarter, Watson's campaign has been silent. This supporter hadn't received a single letter asking for a contribution.One complained that Watson, "owes his followers an explanation about how he will remain competitive and whether he is really serious about this race so that those who have been touting his candidacy don't end up with their tails between their legs." Watson "has done less fund-raising than Stephen Colbert."
After receiving scores of such letters (assuming "two" is part of a "score,") Watson decided it was time to respond, lest his supporters concluded that his campaign was even more moribund than Fred Thompson. Yesterday, Watson rushed to issue a press release, to head off the burgeoning controversy. His press release stated:"Doubtless, many of you wonder why I'm not hitting you up for money for my campaign. It's a good question. You want an answer, but at least you deserve my spin. When people (or dogs) donate to a political campaign, they pretend that it's for some high-minded reason, but in reality, they usually expect something in return. Maybe a little favor later, maybe better access to an elected official. Something like that. I can't promise you that I'll do that if I'm elected. This isn't because I don't care. It's not because I'm more righteous than my opponents. No, it's because I'm part yellow lab. And, if you know yellow labs, you realize that we will reward ANY favor, no matter how small. We will slobber over anyone who even looks at us. We will jump into any car if the door is open, if only to lick the faces of the occupants. Like the best career politicians, therefore, I promise to do ANYTHING in exchange for small favors, as you should already know from my campaign song, 'Political Animal.' So I can't take money with the "wink wink" that I'll give special treatment to anyone because I am incapable of denying special treatment to everyone."As for my principled opponents: I will not impugn their motives for raising all that moolah. I hope some of it is used for milk bones or dog rescue or cat eradication or some other worthy cause. I salute my opponents, I raise my leg to their efforts, and I promise to lick more faces than my opponents do, even if you don't give me a dime."
If fund-raising isn't going Watson's way, his "Straight-Bark Express" is having greater success. He has gotten the support of firefighters everywhere, much to the chagrin of Rudy Giuliani, perhaps because his pledge of a "hydrant in every park," has given him a leg up on the competition.