Sunday, November 04, 2007

A Leg Up on the Competition


Or, Colbert Schlobert

In recent days, canine Presidential aspirant Watson has received a tide of fan mail criticizing his fund-raising efforts. Or the lack thereof. One disgruntled supporter complained that, while Hillary and Barack have amassed war chests of $80 million or more just in the last quarter, Watson's campaign has been silent. This supporter hadn't received a single letter asking for a contribution.One complained that Watson, "owes his followers an explanation about how he will remain competitive and whether he is really serious about this race so that those who have been touting his candidacy don't end up with their tails between their legs." Watson "has done less fund-raising than Stephen Colbert."
After receiving scores of such letters (assuming "two" is part of a "score,") Watson decided it was time to respond, lest his supporters concluded that his campaign was even more moribund than Fred Thompson. Yesterday, Watson rushed to issue a press release, to head off the burgeoning controversy. His press release stated:"Doubtless, many of you wonder why I'm not hitting you up for money for my campaign. It's a good question. You want an answer, but at least you deserve my spin. When people (or dogs) donate to a political campaign, they pretend that it's for some high-minded reason, but in reality, they usually expect something in return. Maybe a little favor later, maybe better access to an elected official. Something like that. I can't promise you that I'll do that if I'm elected. This isn't because I don't care. It's not because I'm more righteous than my opponents. No, it's because I'm part yellow lab. And, if you know yellow labs, you realize that we will reward ANY favor, no matter how small. We will slobber over anyone who even looks at us. We will jump into any car if the door is open, if only to lick the faces of the occupants. Like the best career politicians, therefore, I promise to do ANYTHING in exchange for small favors, as you should already know from my campaign song, 'Political Animal.' So I can't take money with the "wink wink" that I'll give special treatment to anyone because I am incapable of denying special treatment to everyone."As for my principled opponents: I will not impugn their motives for raising all that moolah. I hope some of it is used for milk bones or dog rescue or cat eradication or some other worthy cause. I salute my opponents, I raise my leg to their efforts, and I promise to lick more faces than my opponents do, even if you don't give me a dime."
If fund-raising isn't going Watson's way, his "Straight-Bark Express" is having greater success. He has gotten the support of firefighters everywhere, much to the chagrin of Rudy Giuliani, perhaps because his pledge of a "hydrant in every park," has given him a leg up on the competition.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Watson Picks Up BIG Endorsement


Watson's campaign to become the first Canine-American candidate for President got a BIG boost with the endorsement of the BIGGEST dog in the world.
Hercules is an English Mastiff. He's the one on the far right (not a political statement, just a fact. He has a 38 inch neck and weighs 282 pounds. With "paws the size of softballs"(reports the BostonHerald), the Three-year-old monster is far larger and heavier than his breed's Standard 200lb. limit. Hercules' owner Mr. Flynn says that Hercules' weight is natural and not induced by a bizarre diet: "I fed him normal food and he just grew".... And grew. And grew. And grew.
Watson's comment: "Our campaign just gets bigger and bigger by the day."

Friday, March 16, 2007

Watson Lines Up Major Endorsements

Watson's campaign to become the first Canine-American President of the United States has begun to take off with endorsements pouring in from key states.

Cayenne and JJ, from Anchorage, Alaska, have signed up and promise to carry Alaska for Watson, which would bring him those all-important three electoral votes in the fall of 2008.

Both dogs denied that this was a "blonde-dog conspiracy," as has been implied by some of Watson's detractors. Rather, they appreciated Watson's forthright advocacy of a cause they deeply believe in, and which affects many dogs in their home state--the proliferation of squirrels. "No other candidate has had the courage to take a stand on this issue," Cayenne pointed out. "Watson is our only hope. I'm glad we have a dog in this hunt."

Watson's Brain Trust: Meet Gracie


Grace Linh Hoffman, who is running Watson's campaign, is little known, but we've manages to get a little bit of information, and even this picture of her getting ready to stump for Watson in frigid New Hampshire. In addition, rumor has it that she is reportedly planning for her own campaign in the 2044 election. Well, here she is, recently adopted from Vietnam. How have the dogs reacted to the newest member of the Hoffman household? Watson, preoccupied with his campaign, was unavailable for comment. Cricket, however, responded, saying, "I am a mother to all the world's puppies." We're not sure what that means, but Cricket has been observed encouraging Gracie to use her little nose to best effect.

Time For a Change: Watson for President


Watson the famed shelterdog, who garnered national attention during the last election for his song, ''Political Animal,'' has broken his long silence has announced the formation of an exploratory committee to run for President of the United States. Why is he running? Can any dog have Presidential aspirations, let alone one of uncertain parentage and breed? What issues would a Watson campaign focus on? How would a shelterdog raise money for a long and expensive campaign? How would he get his message out? Could he hold his own in debates against such articulate opponents as Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and Rudy Giuliani? These are just some of the questions he addressed in his press conference:

Q: Watson, why are you running?
W: I haven't decided for sure whether I am running or not. But, as someone who is part lab and part border collie, if I had my druthers, I'd always be running.

Q: What about your background?
W: What about my background?

Q: Well, it's commonly known that you were rescued from the Humane Society. Do you think America is ready for an abandoned shelterdog?
W: Hey, we've got the first serious woman running. We've got the first serious African American running. Yet Canine Americans have never had a chance. We can't vote. We can't even sit in restaurants. And no one is speaking to our issues. Do you think Hillary or Obama or Rudy will say one word about the stray cat crisis in America? Fat chance. I think that we're overdue for a smart, serious Canine American.

Q: Are you old enough to be President?
W: In dog years? Sure.

Q: What issues would a Watson campaign raise?
W: Well, I've already mentioned one. The cat scourge. There's also the squirrel scourge, the chipmunk scourge--I could go on and on. I also will provide real leadership. We don't have it now. This isn't a Democratic or Republican issue. People just don't know how to lead; they're sheep. And I know sheep. If you don't believe me, ask why shows like American Idol and Survivor are still on the air. I am a leader. I'm part border collie. I can herd horses, sheep, goats. My campaign slogan will explain it all: ''Bred to lead.'' I have other ideas, too. I want to change the off-leash areas of America.

Q: In what way?
W. They're too small. My solution is simple: Reverse the present system. Put the cats in the existing off-leash areas and let the dogs have the rest.

Q: Can you honestly assure the public that this isn't just a stunt to promote your song, ''Political Animal?''
W: Give me a break. Do you think a dog would compromise his values for small favors?

Q: How do you plan to raise money and organize your support?
W: Easy. In the first place, my campaign will mobilize the support of the vast canine economy. PetSmart, Purina, the Milk Bone Company, and all those other companies know that they'd do a lot better with me as president than what we have now. And think of all the Dog People around the country. They'd be in my pocket, if I had pockets. If any of them refuses to support me, my fellow dogs will organize the country's first Piddle-In. Who will dare to say no?

Q: We heard rumors that there's dissension, even within your own family, about your candidacy. Isn't it true that some family members are supporting other candidates?
W: Oh, that's just a bunch of kitty litter being put out by desperate opponents. According to Fox News, it's a falsehood launched by Hillary's campaign. The only family member who has not yet endorsed me is Baby Grace, who My People just adopted from Vietnam.

Q: Why isn't she supporting you?
W: I don't know that she isn't. She doesn't talk much. But if she doesn't support me, it's because she wants Arnold to run--and win--so that people born outside the US can run for President. She's already planning her campaign for 2044.