Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Happy Holidays from Da Dogs

Watson and Cricket have given us so much joy for so many years, we wish them a happy holiday season this year. To the right, you can hear for free their own Canine Christmas song which, cleverly, they named "K-9 Christmas." Also available for download from iTunes and most other online digital music download sites.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Children and Higher Office

This election night will determine if 4-year-old Gracie Linh Hoffman will become a US Senator. But one severe critic has questioned whether the responsibilities of a Senator would be incompatible with a healthy childhood. It turns out that holding a position as a senator is perfect for a 4-year-old (subject to those pesky constitutional age limitations). After all, who acts more like little children than many of our elected representatives? Gracie could continue to enjoy her childhood, act like a 4-year-old, and fit right in--except that she doesn't throw as many tantrums as some of the older senators. She knows everything there is to know about earmarking funds for her special projects and how to assert herself by putting a "hold" on anything her parents might otherwise do until they pay due attention to her. And, as for the Bridge to Nowhere, she's building it on the family room carpet (see photo, above), but merely needs more funding to finish it up. So Gracie holding high office and her childhood are incompatible at all.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Who's Moving in to Replace Candidate Watson?

With Watson's abrupt departure from the political scene, rumors swirled throughout the Pacific Northwest as to his possible successor. Who has the stature, the name recognition, the money, and speaking ability to step in at the eleventh hour to win a crucial 2010 Senate election?
The Shelterdog Blog has found the answer: Grace Linh Hoffman, Watson's former campaign manager, was spotted in Washington, D.C., earlier this month. Our crack paparazzo managed to photograph the four-year-old political strategist, standing next to the base of the Washington Monument. Though Grace measures a scant two blocks in height, her brains, beauty, wit, and her connections with the political machines of every metropolitan city in her state, guarantee that she has a good shot at the prize. In fact, even before she has officially announced her candidacy, tracking polls show her getting an incredible 59% of the deceased vote. With that kind of political savvy, how can she lose?
But, some have asked, what is her platform? What does she plan to do if elected? How would she vote on the critical issues facing the nation? In the current political climate, does anyone care? She's not an incumbent, has never dabbled in witchcraft, and knows what it's like to be unemployed. How can she lose?

Has Watson Dropped His Quest for Electoral Office?

Shelterdog Watson, who had been seeking to become the Kibble Party candidate for the U.S. Senate, appears to have quietly dropped his electoral bid. There has been no formal public announcement, but Shelterdog's crack reporting team has it on good authority that Watson no longer wants to join the partisan fray in Washington, D.C. Is it because he is satisfied with the current state of the Union? Or because he fears he might lose? Or because the U.S. Chamber of Cat Commerce is plotting a series of attack ads, alleging that the candidate is a "closet cat-ist?" Most likely none of the above. Rather, with the emergence of Watson's local football team, the University of Oregon Ducks, as #1 in both the major polls and #2 in the BCS, Watson seems to have forsaken politics for the Green and Yellow (and, occasionally, Carbon, Black, White, and a variety of other colors) of the Oregon Ducks. For a free sample of Watson's Duck tune, click on "It's a Great Day to Be a Duck," on the right column of your screen.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Watson: His People Suddenly Become Film Reviewers of "Inception" While He Sleeps

Watson reports: My Dog Mommy and Dog Daddy went to the movies last night. They asked me to write a review of the movie they saw. How could I do that? I didn't see it. I wasn't there.
"That's OK," said my Dog Mommy. "I slept through most of it. Maybe Dog Daddy can write it. He stayed awake for almost the whole thing."
I told them they could write something for my blog. After all, any movie you can sleep through must be a pretty relaxing movie, and so I'm all for it. So here's Dog Daddy's movie review. Unlike me, he's not a very experienced writer, so please cut him some slack.
My wife and I fell for all the hype and went to "Inception," a monstrosity of a film. My wife fell asleep, but I tried very hard (in vain) to get into it. It turns out her choice was better than mine.
I admire the screenwriter's mission: to venture into the wonders of Dreamland, a place everyone has gone before, but which few truly understand. But I've gone nighty-night every night for nearly 63 years without dreaming ANYTHING remotely resembling any level of any of the dreams portrayed in this movie.
My biggest problem with the film was its basic premise: can one person get inside another person's dreams? Probably not, except in the mind of a movie producer with lots of cash and little substantive knowledge or interest in sleep science, but OK, let's pretend they can. But how do they do it? A bunch of supposedly brilliant characters explain it to each other. Their explanations are nestled somewhere between "sophomoric" and "incoherent." Oh well, accepting this dubious premise and the incomprehensible, hocus pocus explanation, now add this concept: that in your dreams, time is compressed as compared to real time. Yeah, ok, sure, I'll buy that, too. I haven't put a stopwatch to my own dreams, but what the hell? But even accepting all this, then (the characters' logic persists), it follows that, if there's a dream within someone's dream, this "second" dream compresses time even further than the first one, and the dream within the dream within the dream even moreso. Not only that: these smart people can calculate the magnitude of this compression. Cool! I didn't copy the formula for this calculation in the movie theater, but I think it was something like this:

x2 + 4 y2 -9z3 ± √d9 + √π2 = 1,000,000 BS

This calculation, in turn, will permit them to set precisely the time limits for how long they can tinker around in the brain of the poor schmuck they've drugged to they can implant their own hare-brained idea into his hare-brained brain. It's a fancy way of doing what they used to to in old pseudo thrillers, by having the entire squadron "synchronize their watches," even though we never knew exactly why they did it.

OK, I'll give the writers a pass on all of this hokum, too, but the effect of this pretend calculation is catastrophic: after we're two hours into the movie, suddenly everything is going VERY slowly. We watch this van, perhaps in Dream No. 1, who knows, trying to fall toward the water after crashing and plummeting off a bridge. But despite the hyperkinetic action going on at Dream Nos. 2-4, the van's plunge into the icy waters is so slow as to be imperceptible (see formula, above, and special effects coordinator --long gone--, for explanation), my wife remains sound asleep despite the ear-splitting noise and chaos of Dream Nos. 2-4, and I'm asking myself whether it will take all night for that damned van to hit the water so we can finally all go home. We're supposed to be thrilled by plot development that is proceeding at a snail's pace in Dream No. 1, while Dreams 2-4 are going too fast for us to figure out who is who, or what the hell is going on, or why. They have, I readily acknowledge, accurately depicted that aspect of dreaming in which what is occurring makes no sense whatsoever (although usually I can get this for free and I can pop my own popcorn with real buttery flavoring).
All of this nonsense would be tolerable if we gave a crap about the characters, but who within the story is worthy of whatever crap we have to give? Here were the choices:
  • The dead but still somewhat homicidal wife?
  • The cute chick who was supposed to be brilliant, but just kind of sits there and looks vaguely fetching on three or four incoherent dream levels as the plot unfolds?
  • The guy who tags along but we've forgotten who he his or why he's there? (Note: there are several of these.)
  • The rich guy whose brains are being rented out as an Interstate Freeway and shooting gallery for the other rich guy's nefarious purposes?
  • The other rich guy with nefarious purposes?
  • Leonardo? Forget it. He's like Captain Ahab chasing the whale, but at least Ahab had the good grace to plunge to his death with the harpooned whale in tow.
The only characters I could empathize with were the two little kids, but they've turned their back on Leonardo, their own father. I don't blame them.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Shelterdogs Abandoned!! Left at Home With NOTHING But Friends, People, Food and Toys

Shelterdogs Watson and Cricket found themselves forlorn, forsaken and forgotten last weekend when their People (Jonathan, Susan anbd Grace Hoffman) abandoned them to attend the Vietnamese Heritage Camp in Estes Park, Colorado, last weekend.

Gracie, the youngest of the People, had a wonderful time with other children adopted from Vietnamese orphanages. The kids frolicked and played while they learned about Vietnamese culture and bonded with fellow adoptees living through0ut the United States.
See this link for definitive photographic proof of the Hoffmans' abandonment of their dogs:
Shelterdogs Watson and Cricket were not amused.
"We were left ALL ALONE for the entire weekend," complained Watson. "The Other People who walked us, played with us, cuddled and fed us that weekend, were Mere Imposters. The Real People were gone."
The Real People returned Sunday afternoon to find their two dogs hungry and suffering from abandonment. Watson and Cricket had not been fed in nearly 45 minutes, and had not been held and petted for OVER AN HOUR!
It could have been even worse. Watson and Cricket were occasionally left in the back yard for minutes at a time. It could have been bitingly cold, lonely and snowing (see photo, upper right) had it occurred in January rather than August.
Ironically, One of Watson's "Real People" who abandoned him last weekend (Jonathan Hoffman), turns out to be the singer-songwriter who wrote and recorded the hit song, "Forlorn, Forsaken and Forgotten," which expresses the angst of of a poor, lonely shelterdog, who is abandoned by his People when they go to work each day. How could someone who wrote such a song abandon his dogs for the entire weekend?
"Easy," replied Watson. "He didn't even write the song. I did. He just took all the credit just because he can play the guitar and I can't. In fact," Watson added, "Jonathan and Susan aren't even Vietnamese."


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

In Watson's Absence, Hoffman Relegated to Gig at Marshmallow Roast

Now that Watson has run off to join the Tea Party (see blog entry below), his singer-songwriter companion, Jonathan Hoffman, has accepted a gig to sing at a marshmallow roast. The marshmallow gig is being held in conjunction with the Vietnamese Heritage Camp in Estes Park, Colorado, July 29-31. Hoffman's daughter, Gracie Linh Hoffman (pictured at right) was born in Vietnam.
So why has a singer-songwriter--and recording artist--of Hoffman's supposed stature been relegated to a mere marshmallow roast? While touring with former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin on the Refudiation Express, Shelterdog Watson retorted: "Without me, he's just another singer-songwriter. And he's not really a songwriter. After all, I wrote those songs. He just stole all the credit because he has the fancy guitar, the word processor, and the opposable thumbs. And, frankly, he's not much of a singer, either. If you listen to "Blue Yellow Lab," I'm the one doing all the good blues howling."

Monday, July 19, 2010

Watson Joins Tea Party: Diatribe Against Cats to Follow?

Shelterdog Watson, still seeking to overcome his disappointing run for the Presidency in 2008, was a happy pup over the weekend after learning of the Tea Party's refusal to renounce the racist rants of some of its members. Leading pundits had speculated that Watson's 2008 defeat was partly due to his lack of affilitation with any political party or group. Now it appears that the Tea Party suits him just fine. The word on the street is that he was greatly influenced by his half-brother-human Gavin Hoffman, who recently guest starred as a right-wing militiaman in the TNT series "Leverage."
"It makes perfect sense," an unnamed and former high-ranking Watson campaign strategist observed. "If the Tea Party tolerates racists and bigots, they can hardly criticize a member for virulent anti-cat rants, either."

Watson was never proven to have uttered an anti-cat word during his long campaign, although a few reporters on the campaign plane--on deep background--alleged that Watson was known to refer to cats as "mere prey." But a disillusioned former campaign worker, who also owns 16 cats, recently revealed to the National Enquirer that she had overheard Watson describing cats as "stupid," "foul-smelling," "worthless" creatures that "deserved to die."

Watson could not be reached for comment, and his staff refused to confirm or deny the rumors.

Meanwhile, the Tea Party welcomed its newest member with open arms. Said a spokesman: "We welcome everyone, without regard to his beliefs, philosophy, intelligence, compassion, sensitivity, species, or anything else. He IS white after all, isn't he?"

Monday, June 21, 2010

They Getcha Coming or Going

After being offered over $37,000 in financing only last week, Shelterdog Watson was understandably surprised to receive the following email this morning:

Dear Recipient:

After Chapter 7 bankruptcy proceedings, you should be aware that there are alternatives. Call us at [link deleted to protect privacy of the spammer]

Watson is a fiscally conservative dog who has not filed Chapter 7 bankruptcy proceedings. In fact, his even memoirs have not progressed past Chapter 2. But it's always nice to know that so many options are available.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Follow the Money. Fetch the Money

Watson has been offered a business loan for over $37,000. Here's part of the fax he just received:

Where to stash that much cash? There are any number of options. (Did we say "options"?)

Watson could:
  • Start a campaign committee for a Kibble-Party run at the US Senate, where he would stand a good chance of knocking off unpopular Nevada Senator Harry Reid, being better educated and more articulate than Reid's Tea-Party Republican opponent.
  • Prudently invest in some safe stock, such as AIG or BP, or Greek debt or even dog food derivatives (he's been peeing on too many hedges to take up hedge funds).
  • Buy up some of that discounted real estate in Central Oregon or Las Vegas; perhaps some squirrel-infested acreage.
  • Give a boost to his already successful music career, perhaps with some voice lessons.

Now that Watson is going to get a pile of moolah, please help him decide what to do with it. Post your comments here.
Whatever Watson decides, isn't it great to know that the financial sector is doing so well now that they can lend thousands to a shelter dog? You know that the object lessons of profligate lending have been learned when they are only giving loans to the good dogs. Are you a good dog? Is so, just remind your lender of this the next time you're looking for a home mortgage or business loan.

Monday, March 29, 2010


This weekend in Eugene, Oregon, the Oregon Sierra Club is sponsoring a remembrance and celebration of the successful campaign to save the French Pete Wilderness nearly 40 years ago. There is a reception Friday, April 2, at the Paulson Reading Room of the Knight Library at the University of Oregon from 4:30 to 6:30. On Saturday, April 3, there will be an all-day event, from 8:30am to 5 PM, at the University of Oregon School of Law, Room 184, with many people telling their personal stories about the campaign to save French Pete.

Singer-Songwriter Jonathan Hoffman who sang at a hearing at the Eugene City Hall in 1971 to support saving French Pete, will perform the song he sang in 1971, as well as the song he later wrote and recorded (too late to do any good), entitled, cleverly enough, "French Pete." In honor of the event, the song will be posted on the Shelterdog Blog to help everyone remember that our wilderness rarely is able to save itself.

To read more about the story of the French Pete Wilderness, click on this link. To see what would have been logged had French Pete not been saved, click on this link.

Shelterdogs Watson and Cricket are boycotting the event because it doesn't involve dogs or their political aspirations.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Listen to Your Advisors

Why has Watson's popularity plummeted lower than Sarah Palin's IQ? In 2008, he was a shooting star, gaining national attention and adoration, only to lose in all fifty states. Then, Watson disappeared from public view altogether and, ultimately, was eclipsed by his canine companion, Cricket.
Un-named but highly-placed sources now claim that, like many rising stars, he got ''too big for his britches.'' He refused to listen to the sober advice of his seasoned campaign consultants, such as Grace Linh Hoffman (pictured above), and acted like he knew it all.
Too bad for Watson.
Gracie Linh has moved on, and is proving that she has what it takes. And when the 2012 campaign comes around, she is bound to have a dog in the hunt.

Scoot Over, Watson!

Former Canine Presidential Candidate Now Second Fiddle

As all major tabloids have reported, Watson, the former presidential candidate and self-acclaimed shelterdog, has been in a major pout throughout March of 2010. The reason? His housemate, Cricket, was one of several dogs selected to display her prize-winning smile by Bark Magazine (above, right). Watson, who has been somewhat reclusive since his 2008 presidential campaign received lots of attention but no electoral votes, was shocked that he was passed over. He has reportedly retreated into his shell. All we know for certain is that Watson has refused all press requests for interviews since Bark put Cricket’s winsome smile on the Web.

This recent development triggers new speculation about whether Cricket, rather than Watson, will become the canine candidate for the United States Senate in 2010. Cricket gave an interview to Shelterdog e-News, but her answers shed little light on issues related to her possible candidacy. Here are the highlights of her interview:

Shelterdog e-News: What’s it like being the celebrity dog after all those years of Watson hogging the spotlight?
Cricket: I like it. I like my people. I like people.
Shelterdog e-News: Have you given any thought to running for the Senate in 2010?
Cricket: “Thought” isn’t my strong suit.
Shelterdog e-News: Will you run for the Senate?
Cricket: I like to run. We were up in the Cascades last weekend, and I ran all over the place.
Shelterdog e-News: Would you be a “Tea Party” candidate?
Cricket: I like parties. My people had a party and I got to be petted by a lot of people.
Shelterdog e-News: If you ran for office, would you do any negative campaigning? What are you against?
Cricket: Mostly cats and squirrels. Chipmunks, but they’re usually not around by the time I get there.
Shelterdog e-News: What’s your position on health care?
Cricket: I don’t like going to the vet. I don’t think anyone should be subjected to health care if they don’t want to.
Shelterdog e-News: What about social issues? For example, do you think everyone ought to be able to pray in public?
Cricket: I like to prey. Especially on cats, squirrels, and chipmunks.

As you can see, Cricket may become a candidate to be reckoned with. Combining her good looks, winsome smile, and ability to avoid taking a stand on any issue, she sounds like the perfect challenger to any incumbent. Better beware, Harry Reid!